A Message To My Mushroom Tipped Friends: We are under attack.

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A Message To My Mushroom Tipped Friends: We are under attack.

Entering into the world conversation on Israel can be a precarious venture, even a life threatening one. Aside from the inherent risks to ones own person (earning a fatwa seems to be as easy as Tweeting a snarky joke about Mohammed), an uninformed “weekend warrior” activist can often do more harm than good. Hatred of THE JOOOOOOOOOZ!!! is the oldest kind of hatred and it’s still seething, largely on college campuses and social media. Fighting anti-Semitism is nuanced and tricky – as Ben Shapiro says, it’s like nailing Jello to the wall. There isn’t a single evil deed that we have not been accused of committing. When we are not greedily bamboozling money out of stupid poor people with our dirty, grizzly, hummus stained beards and big noses; brutally killing Christ; or stealthily and diabolically running Hollywood from a bunker a mile underground, we are targeting innocent civilians, woman and children for no apparent reason, while waging war on every swine loving Christian and every virgin loving Muslim throughout history. No wonder they want us all dead.

We are racists, they say. We are bigots, they say. Israel is an Apartheid State, they say. We are the new Nazis, they say. We slaughter innocent Palestinian children, they say. Really, how much worse could the accusations get? Might they one day deliver the final Public Relations blow – an accusation that finally tips the scale of public opinion, once and for all? A tweet, a blog, a post, a cartoon, a lecture, a class, a resolution, a sanction, a law, a policy, a precedent, that sets in motion a Rube Goldberg Machine that leads to one FINAL, simple solution. Certain folks would love it if that machine delivered us to our last “shower,” though in the age of rampant holier than thou Radical Leftism, they’d probably call it a “cleanse” or “detox” or something pompous and snooty like that. With the rapidly growing number of self-hating Jews, like those at J-Street, I wouldn’t be surprised if those ushering us into the “showers” were “Pro-Israel/Pro-Peace” Jews, locking themselves in the chambers with us, and releasing the gas themselves (I’ll save them for different blog as they deserve their own special contemptuous shout out).

Just as every time the world perceives us to have “waged war” on something, the “defenders” of our perceived victims come out of the woodwork to remind us that we are the scum of the Earth and that our “crimes” deem us unworthy of life. They remind us to “Free Palestine.” They remind us to “freeze settlements.” Whether it be the crime of settling in our own land, the crime of keeping our borders secure, the crime of enjoying the freedom that so many died for, the crime of thriving in a desert, or the crime of fighting for existence, we are constantly reminded that we are a “people of crime.” There is one “war” which we terrible, awful Jews have yet to officially wage (though rest assured, we will, say a certain budding hate group). We have yet to wage a War on Our Own Innocent Newborn Babies…Penises.

In the case of Circumcision, the bold, caped crusading defenders of penises are rallying support, stealthily building an army – and they can launch a surprise preemptive attack on us at any moment. We would be caught with our pants down – literally. It’s high time we became aware of this threat to our “War on Penises.”

These “defenders” go by a name: Intactivists (their pun is most certainly intended). The word is assumptive and cutting (my pun is intended as well). The “Intact” portion of the word instills a Mushroom Tipped cloud of connotation. First of all, the imagery suggests a sole surviving structure in an alien invasion. “Mr. President, the whole city was leveled, save one building left completely INTACT.” “Thank you General Segal, send in the Intactivist Defense Force (IDF) to secure the INTACT building.” They expect us to get on board with the idea that they are Superheroes of sorts, swooping in to protect the child’s last remaining body part: the foreskin appendage. These self-righteous, self-appointed, self-aggrandizing, crusaders are fighting for the informed consent of infants, allegedly. It should be the child’s choice, they say.

Now, before you put my head on a chopping block, let me not get this point confused with my sarcasm: INFANTS HAVE RIGHTS. Full Stop. You do not have the right to mutilate your baby. You DO have the right to have a circumcision performed on your baby. Circumcision is no more mutilation than the removal of any other non-essential appendage, for any other medical or personal purpose – and it’s the parent’s choice. When you get a haircut, a piercing or a manicure, do you consider yourself mutilated? When you have infected tonsils removed, do you consider yourself mutilated? If God tested your strength of will with a tumor, would you consider yourself mutilated for having the tumor removed? If your infant needed a tumor removed, would you wait until the infant could give you “informed consent” to counteract the “naturally growing” cancer by having it removed? I’m not likening tumors to foreskins. I’m saying that Intactivists have their panties in a wad, and they are trying to ruin circumcision for all of us, even those of us who appreciate our parents for the gift of Brit Milah. They want to ruin the fact and the feeling that we have always known: WE ARE ALREADY INTACT! At the end of the day, it is the choice of the parents, one that does not fit qualifications of a rightfully earned stigma. Intactivists see this point differently. They have prepared an onslaught that we won’t see coming.

Right off the bat, the “ist” at the end of the word gives them a sense of moral clarity and solidarity – a reason to band together and get pissed at JOOOOOOOOOZ!! In a stroke of sheer marketing genius (wow, these puns are piling up) and a loophole in the English language, the counter-attack on our “War on Penises” gets to enjoy the clever comedy of elementary school yard puns, while asserting the autonomy and efficacy of a legitimate social movement that stands up for the alleged “right of infants to choose against circumcision.” Since infants don’t usually communicate such complex desires, Intactivists are here to speak for YOUR child.

The word, Intactivism is also suggestive of a particular moral stance that automatically puts non-“Intactivists” on the defensive. Before even entering the debate about the benefits or harms of circumcision, one must explain why one DOESN’T want their baby’s genitalia to be “intact.” Genius! It’s really is genius. What sane person WOULDN’T want their baby to be “intact?” They also inherently beg the question, “What constitutes being intact?” Since most folks don’t think critically about such verbal tomfoolery, most will just assume, “Intact, is whatever the Intactivists SAY is Intact.”

I implore you: read the Intactivism literature. It is thinly sheathed anti-Semitism. Although 1 in 3 males on Earth are circumcised, the literature focuses on a warped interpretation of the Jewish origin of circumcision and a small fringe group of ultra-orthodox Mohels that kiss the bloody penis. You can see where this is going: Not only are “THE JOOOOOOOZ” (spooky voice) mutilating babies, but they are getting their creepy pedophilic rocks off while doing it. The Intactivist will try to convince you that every circumcision begins by shattering any hope of a satisfying sex life for the boy and his future sexual partners, claiming that the Mohel removes 15 square inches of erogenous foreskin (clearly referring to a full grown male, not an infant), and ends with the bloody, herpetic lips of a baby-molesting Mohel. If Intactivists were really concerned about the welfare of babies boys, they’d hone their message to one that doesn’t attack the customs that affect far less than %.1 of worlds population. Most circumcisions in the Western World are performed surgically in a hospital. If Intactivists were really concerned about boys, they’d broaden the scope of their message and push to make methods of circumcision safer. They are not concerned with babies though, they are concerned with demonizing and blaming Jews.

Since Jews are blamed for introducing the practice, we also get the blame for every circumcision mishap in history as well as all those yet to be performed, even though we make up for a mere %.2 of the worlds population. The Intactivist narrative practically writes itself: Jews are pedophiles and are responsible for billions of mutilated babies. They disregard the fact that circumcision has health and aesthetic benefits that have been proven over Millennia. If there is one thing Jews are not, it’s stupid. If the benefit of circumcision did not outweigh the cost, we’d have dispelled with it centuries ago. I’m sure I speak for a vast majority of circumcised males (Jew and non-Jew alike) when I say that not much beats looking down and seeing a neatly groomed Mushroom Tip, (am I right or am I right, guys?) As far as the alleged sexual side effects of circumcision, I know nothing different than the “junk” I’ve always had. However, I can say this with absolute Intactitude: I have NEVER had any complications with my Penis regarding my circumcision. My sex life has been quite satisfying and I have very very powerful orgasms. They seem to get more powerful over time. That’s just me, though.

In Lieu of the coming preemptive strike on one our most prized customs, when the Intactivists come to “save your childs foreskin,” I bring to you a plan of salvation. Our “War on Penises” and our very way of life depends on it implementing this plan to the T – because believe me, they won’t stop at circumcision. They will keep trying to find ways to force us to our knees. They will find a problem with each one of our customs until there is nothing left of us but our Kippot, and then they’ll take those too. The kind of out-of-the-box thinking that won us the 6-Day War is the only kind that will win us the “War on Penises.”

Here is the plan:
1. Call that Intactivism PR guy and pay him double what they are paying him at Intactivism Headquarters. He’s a genius! Since we control the world’s money, we can afford it. 4,000 years have taught us nothing if not how to negotiate a deal.
2. Hire said PR guy to devise us (The JOOOOOOOOZ!!!) a snazzy, cheesy, made-up word with staying power, to guide our narrative. With a record as “treacherous” as ours, it behooves us to work on our image. Perhaps “circumcited” is a good one (Circumcised and Excited, amalgamated into one word. It means, Happily Circumcised). Further, who cares about using actual words, when smashing two unrelated words together sounds cooler on E Hollywood News, (which we should have thought of sooner, considering we control Hollywood from a bunker a mile underground).
3. Use the Frankenstein word to start a Twitter campaign, reminiscent of #AskHamas. If you are circumcised and proud of it, post a picture of YOUR FACE when you think of how much you appreciate your neatly trimmed Mushroom Tip with the hashtag #circumcited. Let 1 of 3 happily “mutilated” males be the beginning and the end of Intactivism . Let them see that #KosherPenisesMatter. For the record: DON’T POST YOUR PENIS!!
4. Ridicule Intactivists as kooks and quacks. If they want to discuss the practice of circumcision with us, they’ll have to pick a name for themselves that we can say without chuckling. Perhaps a name that uses actual words would help.
5. If you are a circumcised male, look down at your penis and be glad to be a part of a proud and time honored tradition and never let ANYONE tell you that you not “intact.” You are absolutely intact.

They’ve called us vermin – roaches. Perhaps we ARE somewhat like roaches – we were here long before “THEY” arrived and we will be here long after “THEY” are gone…and we will have the Mushroom Tips to prove it.

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